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Preemie Books
Living Miracles: Stories of Hope from Parents of Premature Babies
by Kimberly Powell &
Kim Wilson
Life on the Reflux Roller Coaster
by Roni Maclean
The
Pregnancy Bed Rest Book by Amy E Tracy, Richard H Schwarz
The
Preemie Parents Companion: The Essential Guide to Caring for Your Premature Baby
in the Hospital, at Home, and Through the First Years by Susan L Madden M.S,
William Sears MD, Jane E Stewart MD
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Reprinted with permission from Kerry
Bone
How Your Marriage Adjusts
by Kerry
Bone
The value of marriage is not
that
adults produce children,
but that children produce adults.
-Peter De Vries
More marriages might survive if
the partners realized that sometimes
the better
comes after the worse.
-Doug Larson
It may be extremely stressful on your marriage to have a hospitalized baby. The
following guide show typical responses that are found in marriage after the
birth of a preemie. Please understand that you may not experience any of the
reactions, or you may experience all of them plus others not discussed here.
Having a premature baby is hard on a marriage - no matter what.
Different Roles
It is very typical for parents to cope in different ways with the birth of their
baby, especially during different points of the hospitalization. In the
beginning it can be common for the father to spend a greater amount of time with
the baby. He is more physically able to do this (especially if the baby was
transported to another facility.) This can leave the mother feeling left out,
not quite like a mother, or guilty.
Once she recovers the tables tend to turn. It is typical for mothers to spend
the majority of their time with the baby, since many are on maternity leave or
had planned on staying home when the baby arrived. Fathers (who don't have leave
to take or cannot take it due to financial reasons) are usually required to
resume work, in addition to visiting baby. Fathers also tend to take on the
majority of household responsibilities as the mother spends most time at the
hospital. This can include sibling care. This separation, while often a
necessary form of survival during the early days and weeks, can lead to feelings
of isolation and misunderstandings in both parents. It can also form a pattern
as the months progress - the father attends to other duties and the mother
focuses on the baby.
Fathers
Fathers tend to feel the stress of providing financially increase during the
NICU, especially when faced with growing hospital bills. This can drive them to
work longer and harder. In addition, men tend to be "doer's", people
who take active control over their destiny and world. They see action as a
solution to problems. This style doesn't mesh well with the birth of a preemie.
When they enter the NICU, fathers leave all sense of control at the door. They
often feel useless in the NICU, where they can only sit and watch and not
"do". Work offers them a sense of regaining control, they can
"do" at work what they cannot do at the NICU- they can support the
baby (even if it is only financially).
Men, who are often unsure of their parenting skills (even if only at first) can
be further intimidated by the NICU, where their skills and actions are under
constant scrutiny from the medical staff. If you throw in a nurse's
unintentional remark directed at their abilities, WHAM! - there goes dad out the
door, not to be seen again until homecoming.
The absence of dad leaves mother commonly feeling as though she must apologize
for his absence and find excuses for him. This is done to keep him "looking
good" and to keep up the facade that all is well on the homefront.
Mothers
The decrease in dad's visits can leave a mother feeling like she is left alone
much of the time at the NICU. She may feel abandoned, which is not at all what
dad intended for her to feel. She may even feel angry at or that he is punishing
her. She may worry that dad doesn't love the baby.
While Dad is gone, Mom becomes the "decision maker". While she is
present in the NICU, she is asked to make decisions, sometimes big ones,
sometimes small. However, all this decision making leads her to a more informed
and involved role with the baby. This can remove dad even further from the
picture and cause additional pain and alienation (especially once the baby is
released and Mom is the only one who knows how to care for him).
How The NICU Fuels Separation
- Common Scenarios
resulting from differing roles
When you couple decision making with the fact that mom receives all information
regarding the baby and is responsible for relaying this information to dad, she
has been given the opportunity to alienate dad even further, whether she
realizes this or not. While she probably does not do this intentionally, she
cannot totally convey every action and word that happens each time she visits.
This imbalance of information can lead to more problems. For instance, if Mom
wants to discuss something that was said or done or the implications of various
treatment alternatives, dad may not completely understand where she is coming
from. If she is worried about a situation, dad may not understand and feel she
is overreacting. This leaves mom feeling more alone in her NICU battle, and dad
more left out.
This division of responsibility can cause even larger arguments if it continues
to remain unaddressed. Mom does not know intuitively what information dad wants
to know, nor what his answers will be to decisions. She is left to play a
guessing game and often makes a mistake in predicting his answer and can feel at
fault for the problem.
This can leave dad feeling as though he isn't consulted or kept informed. Mom
might interpret the situation like this: she had the responsibility to make
decisions and select what information to share, but she is failing to get
support for her choices and being blamed for not performing her end properly.
Not only does she feel unconnected to dad, but she is also likely to become
angry at dad for not being involved in the first place. Thus the vicious cycle
begins. No matter how much dad would like to be involved, he is becoming quickly
shut out of the NICU world, leaving Mom full of anger and feelings of
abandonment while dad feels alienated and excluded. If the baby's stay is long,
this can lead to more and more separation between the two parents, alienation
from each other's world, and long standing feelings of resentment, abandonment
and anger.
Two Very Different Views on the Baby
To make the picture even more complex, we learn that it is also very normal for
one parent to be more “worried” or “scared” about what is happening with
their baby, while the other parent expects everything to be “ok”. The
"worrier" tends to feel the other parent doesn't care what happens -
he isn't connected enough to the baby to care. The optimist sees the other
parent looking only for the worst to happen. This can add to even more tension
and separation in the marriage as the lack of understanding grows.
Enter the Family and Friends
As though the struggles above aren't enough to deal with, more challenges are
often thrown into the picture. Family and friends usually share their own
reactions to the baby. Reactions tend to polarize to the side of the pessimist
or the side of the optimist. They can tend to mirror one spouse's reactions more
closely than the other. This can lead one parent to feel as if their reactions
are not normal. They can feel under attack and criticized for their responses.
When one parent's actions "seem" out-of -line to an outsider, the
outsider might question the spouse (outwardly or indirectly) about it. If the
parent's actions are not meeting with the expectations of the outsider, the
outsider may feel an "obligation" to share this information with the
spouse. This can cause doubt, and even more separation between the parents. It
can also leave one parent feeling as if they need to defend every action of
their spouse.
Instead of supporting and coming to understand each other, the parents instead
must resolve the issues which are brought by an outsider. This adds extra
pressure and burden to the parents' already full plate of responsibilities.
If the parents do not communicate about these issues, they may start distancing
themselves from each other. They may turn more closely to a friend or family
member for the support that their spouse could give them.
Drawing the Boundary
One parent or both often sets specific boundaries in regards to outsiders' needs
and wishes. These boundaries set forth what is acceptable to each parent
regarding baby matters - sharing baby's information, the timing and length of
visits, holding privileges, and so on. Often, though, parents do not set
boundaries together, or explain to each other what their personal boundaries are
and why.
This can cause a problem with the spouse and "outsiders" (anyone who
is not the parent.) Family members often feel a right to have their needs (in
regard to the baby) met. The outsider may approach one parent (their child) in
an effort to get what they want (information, visiting privileges, etc). If the
wants of the family member are not in line with the wants of either parent, they
are infringing on a boundary.
This parent is often caught in a trap in between respecting the boundary of the
spouse (if they know it) or meeting the needs of their family member.
A parent might side with their family member's needs, because the spouse's
boundary was not clear to them or because they disagree with the spouse's
boundary. This causes anger and a loss of control in the spouse whose boundaries
were ignored. It can reinforce a lack of understanding between the parents.
Sometimes, the "offending" spouse decides to "give in" to the
need of the family member, but harbors much resentment about it and feels anger
towards the other spouse and family member.
When boundaries conflict, both parents can get angry. This is likely to happen
when a boundary appears to be relaxed for one side of the family and not the
other. This leads to even more misunderstanding and separation.
Where Did Our Love and Affection Go?
During all this NICU trauma, the parents are likely to forget about affection
and closeness. They may give up hugging and sharing. When they don't feel close,
they may not feel like sharing sex with each other. The parents might feel
guilty for enjoying any type of affection whatsoever, especially when their baby
is very sick.
Spouses might not understand that the other parent needs this closeness.
Affection and sex can help a spouse feel secure or comforted. It is common to
find that distance grows in the affection department of the marriage, much as
some parents need it's support.
Stress, fatigue, and fear can do a lot of damage to a relationship that is
already under the pressure of a sick baby. Take time to give each other the hugs
and affection that you both need at this time. Realize that this experience may
bring you closer to each other in the long run, but in the meantime you may need
assistance in working through difficulties with each other. You need time to
adapt to each others responses and accept them.
The social worker and chaplain, as well as support parents and support groups,
are available for this. Do not be afraid to seek out professional help from a
doctor, therapist, pastor or counselor during this stressful time. It is
important you stay physically as well as emotionally healthy for yourself, your
family, and your baby.
I Thought This Would Bring Us Closer?!
There is an old saying about hard times bringing spouses closer together. While
it might hold some truth, at least in the long run, it is not a
"given" occurrence for most couples during their time in the NICU.
Do not be surprised if you are feeling more distant than ever from your spouse
during the NICU. While you are enduring trauma and heartache, you will probably
feel anything but close to each other. With different adaptation styles,
different boundaries, and different feelings, you can tend to automatically
create a distance between yourselves by understanding the other parent. This is
normal.
As emotions resolve and wounds heal, parents can regain closeness. They can even
become closer as they learn more about what the other person felt and did during
this time of trauma.
Now Everything Seems Bad!
During times of incredible stress, it is common for past "sore
areas" to rear their ugly heads in a marriage. What was previously a point
of disagreement may now become a major war between the spouses. It is possible
that these sore spots were in the process of being resolved (or maybe just
ignored), but now the added pressure and stress of the NICU blows them out of
proportion. Or it's possible that the NICU and the appearance of a baby adds a
new twist to the present disagreements. It is normal for stress to "blow
things out of proportion", including our responses to certain areas of
disagreement. It is also normal for these points of contention to be heightened,
especially when you understand how differently the spouses cope with the
baby and the NICU.
Common causes for marital war outbreaks during the NICU... household duties
(chores, bill-paying, etc), family responsibilities (phone communication with
family, family gatherings and celebrations), boundaries with in-laws (visiting,
sharing information, etc). As you can see, these are often sore spots that are
found in many marriages, ones with or without a preemie. It is difficult to
resolve these issues without a preemie in the picture, think how it is with
the kinds of problems the NICU presents. The stress, pressure and differing
viewpoints and responsibilities of each spouse tend to add only more fuel to the
fires.
It helps to recognize these battles are usually blown out of proportion
temporarily. It can help to try to pinpoint the problem areas and agree on a
temporary solution generally amenable to each other. This is easier said than
done, but will ease stress for both parents.
Have faith that you will be able to work through these problems in time, when
the pressures die down. Be patient and tolerant for now. Don't expect too much
of yourself or your mate. And don't lose faith. These "wars" are a
temporary blow up of your problematic areas. They do not mean your marriage is
doomed. They do not mean you will never be connected and close to your mate
again. They are reactions that are heightened by the stress and other intense
emotions brought on by the NICU. They can be resolved, but probably not right
now. Specific suggestions for dealing with trouble areas can be found further in
the article.
Are We The Only Ones With Problems?
A common misconception is that all the other couples around you are growing
closer, while your marriage is falling apart. This leaves you feeling
disappointed and upset that your marriage is crumbling under the stress of the
NICU, when all around you other marriages are apparently thriving.
This is not true. What is true?
1. Many couples feel they have to put on a show of closeness and togetherness so
that they won't be judged as failing to cope with the NICU by doctors and
nurses. They often play their best faces in the NICU, and fall apart once out
the doors. There is an unspoken fear among parents that your child could be taken
from you if you are not "coping appropriately".
2. Discussing marital problems is often seen as taboo.
3. Parents are afraid to expose their weaknesses in fear of being the only ones
experiencing marital problems,
If you talk with others who have been through the NICU, you will be surprised to
see how many other couples share feelings and struggles similar to yours.
Avoiding the Pitfalls
As you can see, a marriage in the NICU can be like a minefield. There are
so many ways to cause separations and arguments. So what can be done to keep all
these common scenarios from happening?
First, it is important to realize each parent will cope with a traumatic
experience differently, and no one way is “right”.
You must allow your partner to feel the way they feel and act in whatever
way is most comforting for them, no matter how different it is from how you
feel. Accept it as right for them.
You cannot change the way they feel, even when their reasons for their feelings
seem completely irrational or absurd to you. You will not be able to convert
your optimist to a worrier, or vice versa.
You must consciously choose to accept that all ways of adjusting are a
"normal" part of becoming a preemie parent.
Become more clear in your needs. Ask for what you want. If you want your mate to
be more involved in care, ask for it. If you feel strongly about something,
explain why.
Find out about the needs of your partner. See how you can help meet their needs.
Find out how you can make your needs mingle.
Schedule a visiting plan with each other and family and friends. Discuss other
responsibilities, too (childcare for other children, work, church, etc.)
Discuss boundaries. Share the reasons you need a certain boundary. Listen to your
spouse's reaction to your boundary. Try to find a compromise.
When in doubt - about anything with your spouse - CLARIFY IT! This will save a
world of hurts.
Decide on decision making. Talk about having input in decisions. Develop a plan
of action.
Talk about how much care you each are comfortable giving the baby. Discuss how
much time you feel comfortable spending in the NICU. Share why you feel this
way.
Discuss other ways you feel comfortable supporting the baby, other than
visiting. (Maybe you will be the communicator, or maybe you will work on the
nursery.)
See if you can stretch your limits to accommodate your partners' feelings and
wishes for involvement.
Don't feel like you have to defend your mate's actions or responses to anyone.
If their reactions are in question, merely respond that you both are doing the
best you can to cope with an extremely hard situation.
Try to meet and talk with other couples with babies in the NICU or support
parents, and discuss with them how differently they each are coping with the
NICU. You will probably be surprised to find a wide range of reactions, all
"normal" for that person.
Find another couple to talk to about marriage difficulties. This can help show
you that the different ways you and your spouse deal with the NICU are indeed
normal. It can help to make a little more sense to you.
Be sure to talk openly and honestly about how you are both feeling, even if it
is hard to understand the other person’s point of view. If you don’t talk
about your feelings, you may become emotionally separated at a time when you
need each other’s support the most.
Agree that their are no clear-cut "correct reactions" you should each
experience, and agree that you each need the other's support and love during
this most trying of times.
You and your spouse are on the
road to surviving the NICU.
Copyright ©2000 Kerry Bone
Kerry
Bone is mom to two preemies; Tyler, born at 31 weeks in October 96,
and Kaitlyn, born at 35 weeks in January 2000. She writes about preemie issues
and leads parent groups at local hospitals when there is free time. She is
currently working with the March of Dimes to develop a NICU parent packet.
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